Don't Call Me Sexy
by SuppiChan00
Summary: Jake English is a young, but skilled vampire hunter. He, along with his newbie cousin, John Egbert, has set his sights on capturing and defeating the notorious duo of hybrid vampires, the Strider brothers. Little does he know of what's in store... DirkJake and JohnDave! Cover art is not by me.
1. Chapter 1

**Heyy people, so I had the most amazing epiphany that Jake would make such a sexy-ass vampire hunter in booty shorts and this abomination happened. Well, not an abomination really, I'm just kind of a sucky writer. Sorry if the characters might be kinda OOC, I did my best. Anyways, on with the story****‼**

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**(Jake's POV)**

"Looks like we were too late…" Jake said softly as he ran his thumb along the dead girl's cheek. Her blue eyes were lifeless. They made Jake's chest ache, for he was painfully reminded of Jane. He stood, and turned to his cousin, John. "Is that scoundrel still alive?"

The younger boy nodded. "Well, he was never really _alive_, but yeah, just barely. You gonna do the honors?"

Jake answered by moving towards the struggling vampire _scum_ laying on the ground, tied up and covered in bruises. The emerald-eyed hunter knelt down. "So. Sollux, is it?"

Beneath him, the creature of night writhed in pain and hissed. It had a sickly shade of grey skin and razor sharp teeth. It's eyes were two different colors, red and blue, which indicated it had special powers. The boys had to use a special type of bind to control it.

Jake continued, "Now, you can either tell me where the rest of your kind is," He cocked his gleaming pistol and rested it against Sollux's temple. "Or I can blow your bloody brains out."

The vampire seethed. "Like _hell_, Englithh."

Jake sighed. "Fine. Have it your way." He said, pulling the trigger. From the corner of his eye, he noticed John wince slightly. He felt a pang of guilt, since John was still new to all of this. Vampire hunting was a messy and dangerous business, but you have to do whatever it takes to protect those you care about.

The hunter got up and cleaned off the muck. "Glad that's over. Anywho, we need to get rid of this." He motioned towards the vampire corpse.

"I'll do it." John replied. "You take care of the girl."

Jake raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? Last time you touched a dead vamp, you almost puked."

John's expression was completely serious. "I know. I…I have to do this. So I can be a better hunter."

Jake smiled. He felt a little proud, too. "Well right-o, my friend. I'll wait here for you."

He went to go dispose of the body, a bit reluctant to touch it. Meanwhile, Jake moved the girl. As he waited for his cousin to return, he caught a swift flicker of movement in the forest behind. The hairs on the back of his neck stood and he eyed his surroundings cautiously. '_Am I being watched?'_

"Hey!" John called as he emerged from the trees. "I'm back. Let's go, it's freezing!"

The older boy nodded. The moment was gone and he did not have that queasy feeling in his stomach anymore, but he was still on alert as the two exited.

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Jake was sprawled on the bed of the hotel room and reading a magazine when John entered. He handed Jake a piece of paper that read: "_Wanted: Dirk and Dave Strider. Dangerous Hybrid Vampires, Reward $3000, Dead or Alive."_ Below were pictures of two fair-haired males. The older one had bright orange eyes and the younger had red.

Jake whistled. "_That_ is a mighty fine reward."

"Definitely. And I never knew there were hybrid vampires."

"Neither did I."

"So what do you think? Should we take up the job?"

Jake contemplated it, while the reward _was_ very tempting, the two of them alone probably wouldn't be strong enough. Who knew what kind of power a hybrid vampire possessed? Then again, not to toot his own horn but he was quite talented at this. John wasn't fully used to it, but he was pretty good for a beginner. But still…

"Maybe when we have more experience." Jake decided.

"Aw, well okay. How about this guy instead?" John said, showing him another poster.

"Eridan Ampora. Reward for $350. Not bad. I think we can take him. We'll go after him tomorrow."

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**(John's POV)**

The boys had just captured Ampora and turned him in to the Order. Tomorrow they were planning to leave this town. John recalled the event. He did really well I the fight, but Jake, well, he was a _boss_. John always aspired to be like his older cousin. He was such a badass when it came to vampire hunting, and John was glad he could learn from him. Jake had decided to call it a night, but John wanted to check out this music store. As he sifted through some CD's, a stranger approached him.

"Hey cutie." Said a smooth voice from behind him.

John turned rather quickly and came face-to-face with an _incredibly_ hot guy. He was extremely pale, but not in a bad way, and his hair was an almost-white blond. His eyes were covered by a pair of shades. (_'That's weird,'_ John thought. _'Who wears sunglasses indoors?'_) He had a smirk that definitely wasn't going away anytime soon that just screamed _"I'm amazing in bed!"_. John was sure he had never met this boy before, but something was oddly familiar about him.

"M-me?" John stammered.

"Yeah, you. What's your name, baby?"

John Egbert could not believe it. For the first time in his sixteen years of life, he was being _hit on_ by a _really sexy_ _guy_. Fuck.

"J-John…"

"Dave." The boy replied, stepping closer.

His nearness caused John to blush, but then it clicked. He was one of the hybrid vamps on the poster, Dave Strider. '_Shit, shit, shit…'_

"What's wrong, cutie? Don't worry, I won't bite."

_'How funny.' _"I-I have to go, sorry!" He pushed past him and power-walked out of the store. Once he was far enough, he broke into a run all the way to the hotel. He burst through the door, which caused Jake to shoot up from bed.

"GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST, WHERE'S THE INTRUDER?!"

"Jake, shut up, it's me! Anyway, there's trouble."

The nineteen year old rubbed his sleepy eyes. "What's wrong?" He asked with a yawn.

"You remember the Striders? From the wanted poster? They're _here_. Like, in town."

Jake was instantly alert. "What? How do you know this? Did you see both of them? Did _they_ see _you_?"

"Well, um, I was in a store and….the younger one, Dave, was kinda hitting on me…" His cousin raised an eyebrow. "Shut up, I know what you're gonna say. It's not my fault I'm adorable. But anyways, I didn't see the other guy, and he didn't seem to know I was a hunter So I sorta just got the fuck outta there."

Jake's face was grim. "We need to get out of here. Let's take a train. We should go see your father."

"Shouldn't we wait 'til the sun rises?"

"Okay. But first thing in the morning, we leave as soon as possible."

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**Well, that's all for the first chapter. Please review! I'd love to know if you liked it, or have any constructive criticism. But no mean comments please****‼**** Next chapter is in Dave and Dirk's POVs. I actually already have it all written, so I'll type it up and post it sometime this week if people like this story. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Sup, guys :) Thanks so much for the awesome reviews****‼**** Hope you guys'll like this chapter**

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**(Dave's POV) **

"Don't drain her, Dave."

"I won't."

"And don't drink so much that she turns, either."

"Who cares?"

"I do. Fledglings are an unnecessary pain in the ass."

Dave removed his fangs form the woman's neck for the third time. "Shut up. I'm fucking thirsty."

"In more ways than one." Dirk mumbled.

Dave rolled his eyes. "You are ruining my concentration, _Bro_."

"It's a shame, too. He was cute as fuck. Too bad you blew it."

"Did I not just tell you to shut the hell up?"

"Whatever you say, baby brother."

Dave sighed with irritation and finished his "meal". Bro could be so fucking annoying. But still, why _did_ that cutie, was it John? Why did John freak out so much? Everything was going smoothly, and John was blushing all cutely. Until suddenly he lost his shit and bolted. He couldn't have known about Dave, could he? There was no way…

He wiped the blood off his chin with the sleeve of his shirt and turned to his brother.

"Heard Ampora was caught yesterday." Said Dirk. "We should really get going."

Dave smirked. "Serves the bitchface right."

"Heh, yeah. But still, we need to leave this area."

"Yeah, I got it." Dave checked his watch. 11:22 AM. Due to being hybrids, the boys could walk in the sun, though it still weakened them a bit. However, they were never accepted by neither the human nor vampire communities. It really sucked when everyone calls you a freak. Even from the freaks themselves.

"So where are we headed?" Dave asked.

"How 'bout we go see Kanaya and the Lalondes? It's been a while since we saw them. We'll take a train. I think it'll be safe."

Rose and Roxy Lalonde were their cousins. Kanaya, a vampire, was Rose's girlfriend who lived with them. They were the only people who actually cared about him and Dirk. Rose was human, but Roxy was accidently bitten a few years ago. Rose and Dave were incredibly close, and he trusted her more than anyone, even Dirk. Unfortunately, she was constantly in danger from the Order.

The Order is a group of hunters that live for "justice". They wanted the brothers dead not only because they were half vampire, but because of the crimes their father committed. Dave didn't like thinking about that. As far as the Order knows, Roxy is human, Kanaya doesn't exist, and the Lalondes never had any contact with the boys.

The two packed their belongings and headed for the station.

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**(Dirk's POV)**

The brothers were waiting for their train. "I'm bored as hell." Dave complained.

"Sucks for you. Now shut your face."

"No. You're a dickhead."

The older boy rolled his eyes. Then he caught something in the background. "Hey, man, isn't that the kid who rejected you big time?"

Dave's head shot up in the boy's direction. Dirk gave a small chuckle. _'Dave can be so—Holy. Fucking. Shit.' _Right beside Dave's dorky boyfriend was the sexiest man Dirk ever had the pleasure of witnessing. And he was in_ booty shorts_. He looked like the kid, but older, cuter, and _oh lord, that ass._

_'Okay, calm the fuck down, Strider.'_ He told himself. "Hey Dave, looks like your boyfriend has a hot older brother."

"He's not my— Wait, what?"

Dirk tried to keep his face expressionless. "The guy next to him. Pretty hot."

Perhaps he couldn't mask his grin, for Dave groaned. "Really, Bro? Really?"

"You had your chance. Now let me show you how a _real_ Strider does it."

The kid went off somewhere, which gave Dirk the perfect opportunity to talk to the green-eyed cutie. _'Aw, yeah. That piece of bishie ass is gonna be mine.' _ "Hey there, sexy." Dirk said with an attractive smirk. The guy looked up with a blush on his pale cheeks. _My god_, those emerald orbs were so much prettier up close. "Name's Dirk. How come I haven't seen you around before, sexy?" He gave him his signature Strider wink.

The boy's eyes widened and something flashed in them. Suddenly his cute blush turned into a scowl. "Don't call me sexy. And sorry, but I must be going now."He got up, grabbed his bag, and walked off quickly.

Dirk watched, his mouth slightly agape. Did he do something wrong?

Behind him, Dave was having a laughing fit. "A real Strider indeed!" He called out. But all of a sudden, Dirk's nose crinkled.

_'Is that….holy water?'_

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**Sooo I'm still writing the next chappy but it should be up soon****‼**** Interesting shit's gonna happen in the next one and you'll meet Jade! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey peoples****! ****Okies, so the beginning of this chapter is a little boring, but it gets better :D**

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**(Jake's POV)**

The Striders were _here_. In _broad daylight_. This was not good. "John!" Jake called.

His cousin looked up from his phone. "What's wrong?"

"Those hybrids. They're here, at the station. They can walk in the sun, we have to leave now!"

John checked his blue wristwatch. "The train should be leaving soon, let's get on."

After boarding, they checked around for the brothers. Thankfully, it seemed that they must be on a separate train. After a few hours, they had arrived at Jake's uncle's house.

"We're home!" John yelled out after unlocking the door. His father welcomed them with a smile.

"Where's Jade?" Jake asked. Jade was John's older sister. She was twenty-three and a really good hunter.

"She's away on a mission, but she should be back tomorrow." His uncle replied. "Says she caught these two vampires and a girl who lived with them."

_'How odd,' _Jake thought. _'Why would a human want to affiliate with those beasts?'_

John's dad continued. "She said she'll bring them back with her for interrogation before turning them in. Apparently she has some personal score to settle with them, but she won't tell me what. Oh, and Jake, she wants you to join her. There's something she wants to talk to you about. You should take John along so he can learn a thing or two!"

The younger boy's face brightened. "Seriously? Awesome!"

Jake chuckled, he couldn't say no to that face. "Sure thing, my friend." However, though Jade was calm and well-mannered during most interrogations, sometimes she could be brutal. He wondered how John would feel after seeing another side of her.

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**(Dirk's POV)**

_'Okay, something is definitely not right.'_ The brothers had arrived at the Lalonde's small home. They knocked a couple times, but received no answer. They broke open the door and discovered that everything was broken and tattered. The girls were nowhere to be found. After doing some investigating, the brothers realized the girls most likely had been kidnapped by hunters. Dirk bit his lip. He knew something like this would happen one day.

Dave clenched his fists. "Someone must've figured out their connection to us….Bro, we _have_ to get them back!"

"I know. Let's try to follow their scent."

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**(Jake's POV)**

A day had passed and John and Jake went over to Jade's underground chamber, where she conducted her work. It was normally guarded with all sorts of crazy contraptions so no one could get in but Jade, but today she turned them off so the boys could gain entry.

"Hey!" She said with a warm smile when they approached. She gave each of them a long hud, then readjusted her big, round glasses. "So I have them in that room," she pointed towards one of the many steel doors. "Let's get started ASAP!"

Her tone surprised Jake. _'I wonder how she can be so cheerful about this.'_

Right before they entered, Jade stopped. "Hey, John, is it okay if I spoke with Jake about something for a sec? In private, I mean. We won't be long, I promise." John seemed a little put out for being excluded, but he agreed anyway. Once they were alone, Jade's expression was much more serious.

"What's the matter?" He asked.

"I've been doing some digging around, trying to find out who was the vamp that killed Jane."

Jake was not expecting that. "And what have you found?"

"I'm not sure, but.… Have you heard of these two hybrid vampires? Dave and Dirk Strider?

"Yes." Jake recalled his meeting with Dirk Strider, who, though he hated to admit it, was indeed fairly charming. But if he was the one the hurt Janey… "You think it was them?"

"Well, their father, actually. I'm pretty convinced, but I need more info. I really want to find those two brothers. Will you help me, Jake? I don't want John to know because he's so young…. He's tough, but I'm not sure if he's ready."

He nodded. "I understand. And I'll do whatever it takes to help you catch those _monstrosities_." He answered, clenching his fist. Jade smiled and put a hand on his shoulder. Jake smiled back and wondered how similar the two of them looked. Especially their eyes…

"So what does this have to do with the ones we're interrogating?" Jake asked.

"I think they're related to the Striders. Their names are Kanaya Maryam and Rose and Roxy Lalonde. The Striders are cousins of the Lalondes on their mother's side. So originally both girls were human until the elder, Roxy, was bitten. Maryam only lives with them, and I believe she's friends with the brothers. That's all I know so far." After that, they returned to John. "We'll talk to the human girl first." Jade said, opening the door.

Tied up to a chair was a teenage girl, most likely around John's age. She had short, blonde hair and violet eyes that glared at three as they moved towards her.

"Good morning, Rose." Jade greeted. "I hope you'll be cooperative today."

"Oh, is it morning? I had no idea, considering you locked me up in this windowless hellhole." She replied, her words coated with venom.

"Now, now. That is very unlike you, Rose. Let's be more civil, shall we?"

"Ah, yes. Because it is completely _civil_ to tie someone up and hold them hostage."

Jade ignored her comment and pulled up a chair from across her. "Okay, Rose. You're going to tell me the location of Dirk and Dave Strider." She said in a soft tone.

The blonde was silent. Jade leaned forward. "Miss Lalonde, just so you know, we really have no use for Kanaya Maryam. She's very dear to you, isn't she? It would be a shame if something were to happen…."

Rose's eyes widened. "_Don't touch her._" She growled.

"Of course not! She'll be perfectly fine… That is, if you help us. Now, when was the last time you saw your cousins?"

Once again, Rose did not utter a word. Jake felt a small bit of guilt, for she was human after all. Jade repeated her question, but the younger girl stayed mute.

The green-eyed girl sighed and looked at Rose with pity. "I don't want to hurt you, really. But why do you continue to defend those _things_? Why protect those _vampires_ when you could save yourself form damnation?"

She didn't say anything for a moment. Then, quietly, she raised her head and responded. "Those two," Rose looked up at Jake and John. "They're related to you, aren't they? You care about them, don't you? So what if they were bitten and turned? Would you betray them, too? Put a bullet through their heads like you do with the rest?"

This caught Jade off guard, for her greatest weakness was her family. She stood. "That would never happen, and I'm asking the questions here, not you." She turned to the boys. "Let's take a break."

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**(John's POV)**

The interrogation would continue tomorrow. Jake and Jade went somewhere, John didn't really know. He sat outside, spacing out and thinking about what happened. He felt pretty bad for Rose, since she was innocent, wasn't she? He wondered about her question. If someone he loved turned into a vampire, would he be able to kill them? No, John realized. He could never bring himself to do that. He wondered if the others would agree with him. As he pondered all of this, someone grabbed him from behind and his consciousness slipped away.

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	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the wait****‼**** Here's chapter four, and please review if you like it :)**

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**(John's POV)**

John came awake slowly. "What…..?" He groaned. He looked down to see that he was handcuffed to a wooden chair in a dimly lit and empty room. His eyes darted around. _'Where am I?'_

"Well, well, cutie. Looks like we meet again."

_'Fuck.' _Dave Strider made his way towards him. _"No, no, no, I am _so_ screwed…'_

Dave reached him, sliding his tongue over his lower lip and raising John's chin. "Mm," he purred, admiring the boy's porcelain neck. "You look _delicious_." John was trembling beneath him, eyes wide. The blond smirked. "Don't worry, baby. I won't hurt you….much." John tried to speak, but no sound came out. His lips were still parted, and Dave took this opportunity to crush his lips against John's and slip his tongue inside the human's mouth.

_'Holy. Shit.'_ This was John's first kiss. He never expected it to go this way. _'What is going on?!' _

Someone cleared their throat behind them. "Dave," the man said. "What the _fuck_ are you doing?"

"None of your business, Bro. Go away."

_'So this is Dirk Strider.'_ John thought.

Dirk raised an eyebrow at his brother. "You're not actually gonna drink from him, are you?" 

"Nah, I was just joking. Why would I want to blemish that perfect neck?"

John sighed with relief. "Why am I here?" He worked up the courage to ask.

"Your family took ours, so we took you. We won't hurt you, it's just for negotiation." Dirk replied.

Dave gave the boy a seductive grin. "But don't worry, we'll have lots of fun, _John_."

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**(Jake's POV)**

"Where is John?" Jade asked frantically.

Jake looked up with surprise. "I assumed he was with you! How long has he been gone?"

"Like, five hours! I keep calling him, but he won't pick up! This is bad, this is so bad…" Her eyes were filled with worry.

Jake squeezed her hand. "It'll be okay, we'll find him. He can't be far."

She bit her lip. "I-I know. I'm just nervous, he's my baby brother…You don't think those Striders had anything to do with it, do you? As revenge for taking those three?"

Jake narrowed his eyes. "It's a strong possibility."

All the distress in Jade was replaced with fury. "We're going after him. Now."

"Will it be safe?"

"Probably not. But I don't _care_, I just want him back. So grab your gear, I'm going to _destroy_ them."

He was slightly nervous from her fiery anger. "Jade, calm d-"

"Are you coming or not?"

Jake knew there was no point in arguing. "Of course."

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Searching for John was futile, the hybrids had covered their tracks well. Having no leads, Jake and Jade went back home to figure out what their next move would be. Jake's stomach churned. Who knew what they were doing to his cousin right now?

As if on cue, Jade came back into the room, her eyes cold. "They left us a message. They'll give us back John, but only for the Lalondes and Maryam. This could be a good opportunity to get John back and lure the vampires into a trap."

"How do we know that the second they sense danger, they won't hurt John?"

"How do we know that _they_ aren't setting a trap for _us_? They'll definitely be cautious, so we'll act like we're gonna give 'em what they want, and when their guard is down, we strike."

"When do they want us to meet them?"

"Tomorrow at noon. We don't have much time to plan."

"We should bring back-up, just in case."

She winked. "Already thought of that, Jakey. I'm going to call Karkat and Terezi after this."

"Are you sure? You haven't seen Karkat since-"

"Since we broke up, I know. But I've moved on and so has he. I mean, he's dating Terezi now after all. And those two are closest to our area, and I want them here as soon as possible." With that, she got up to call them. Jake wondered if she truly had moved on, or if there were still some lingering feelings for their fellow hunter.

A couple hours later, the two arrived. Karkat Vantas was a short, dark-haired man with brown eyes that almost seemed to have a red tint. He was sarcastic, intimidating, and kind of rude, but sometimes he could also be surprisingly kind. Jake didn't know him well, but he was very good friends with John and used to date Jade, but he dumped her, saying he only saw her as a friend.

Terezi Pyrope was tall and had shoulder-length raven hair. She was blind, but she didn't let that slow her down. Her hearing was extraordinary and she was a fantastic huntress. However, Jake found her a little odd since she tended to invade people's personal space. Well, honestly, some of the things she said and did just weirded him out.

"Okay," Karkat said with an angry expression when Jake opened the front door. "Where are the fuckasses that took John and when can I rip their fucking heads off?"

"Uh, nice to see you too…" Jake replied awkwardly.

Behind him, Terezi grinned. "Hey Jake!"

Jade's head peeked around the corner. "Oh, good, you guys are here. C'mon, we have work to do."

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**(John's POV)**

"How long do I have to be here?" John asked with an annoyed expression.

"Just until we get our friends back cutie." Dave answered.

"But I have to pee!" He complained, struggling in his bonds.

"Ah, well, I can't exactly let you go, now can I?"

"Just let the kid pee, Dave." Dirk said with a sigh. "He's not stupid enough to run, and if he does, he won't get far."

So Dave untied John and led him to a clearing. John walked up to a tree and turned to Dave. "Hey, don't look!"

The blond rolled his eyes. "I have no interest in watching you take a shit, Egbert."

"I know, but still. I can't go if I think someone might watch."

"Fine, whatever." He said, moving away.

"No peeking!"

Dave laughed. "I won't! Now hurry up and piss so we can leave."

After he finished, Dave threw him a bottle of hand sanitizer. John made a face. "Gross. Soap and water is much more cleaner."

"Yeah, well, too bad. Your cute little hands will have to suffer with point-one percent of germs." John couldn't help but give a smile.

As they walked back, John asked, "How come you guys are camping out instead of staying in a hotel or something? You have money."

"We could, but then it would be easier for hunters to track us down. This is safer for us. Though occasionally we'll stay at small motels that don't ask too many questions."

The raven haired boy nodded. For some reason, he found himself more relaxed in Dave's presence than he probably should be. Perhaps it was because he knew the brothers wouldn't hurt him since they needed to trade him for their friends, or maybe he had a feeling they were not as evil as he thought they'd be. He shook his head, he couldn't think like that! He had overheard Jake and Jade's conversation from before, that Dave and Dirk's father may have been the one to kill Jane.

Jane was John's cousin and Jake's twin sister. She was kind and sweet, and John often went to her for advice. But then, four years ago, she went missing. They found her body a couple days later. She was completely drained. John's heart hurt when he recalled Jake's broken expression at the time. But his cousin's depression quickly turned into rage, and he vowed to get revenge. John was only twelve at the time, but was already considering becoming a hunter when he was older like his father and sister because of his mother being killed by vampires, but Jane's death was the last straw.

"Hey, earth to John?" Dave's voice brought him back to reality.

He saw that he was already tied up again without even noticing. _'Crap, I gotta be more cautious…'_ "Um…sorry."

"Well, you're gonna leave in about two hours…Can't say I'm not gonna miss you, babe." Dave winked flirtatiously, causing John to blush furiously.

"Y-yeah…" _'Something tells me this won't be the last time we see each other.'_

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**That's it for now, and thanks for the reviews guys****!**


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